Friday, September 8, 2017

Heme Aqui... Here I am...

Growing up in Central Mexico our church used to sing this song titled, Heme Aqui which means Here am I. The song comes from Isaiah 6:8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" For years I sang that song with hesitancy. I would and still do search my heart and ask myself am I truly serious about this? Would I truly say Here am I. Send me?

And now I am an adult and I often catch myself thinking of this song and asking myself once again will I truly go "Here am I. Send me? Do I dare say that? Do I dare say yes with Daniel to an emergency placement that will arrive in 2 hrs on a Thursday night not knowing anything really but that it's a 2 year old boy??? We had already said yes earlier this week to do respite for a newborn later on this month but now that one is pushed back till November... So do we say yes send us? Send us, use us, our hearts are willing to love little ones, to hold at night when they cry out for their parents? Do we dare say yes to being uncomfortable? To adding potential stress of adding one more member to our family that has already doubled in the last 6 months? 

And so yes, we said Here we are. Send us. Send us into the world of emergency foster placement, into the world of foster parents, into the world of respite care, into the world of parents who love their children but love substances more, a world where birth parents need extra help and a world where they can't tuck their little's to bed. A once barren couple loving them... A world where our hearts can break at the little eyes that look back at us soaking their pillow at night with tears... Till their breathing changes and their bodies relax into soft rhythms of sleep. 

I have cried... every time... and it's been hard and we are newbies at this. Newbies at being parents... Newbies in the world of foster care but one thing we are not newbies at is at loving... We love... We love fiercely, we love deeply, we cry... we want everyone to get involved in this tangible world that we are in. We want everyone to ask yourselves the same question we have been asking ourselves... When you say yes, not only does it rock your world, it rocks your whole family... It will show you the beautiful and the ugly in you... the selfishness and the redemptive beauty that God has created in us. 

And God in his every mercy has forgiven us and our faults. He continues to work to guide and love us as new parents. And after 3 years of waiting for a baby and after 8 months of doing respite care and after 4 months of being foster parents at Baby Cakes last court date her plan changed to ADOPTION!!!! As I type this I am in awe and my eyes fill with tears... We will be her forever family. She has our hearts and will now have our last name. The road to actually finalizing might take close to a year but that is nothing because she is beyond worth it!!! After so many No's we have our YES!!! I'm telling you life sometimes doesn't go as planned but heartaches along the way prepares you for parenthood... However that may look...

Heme aqui yo ire señor heme aqui yo ire señor enviame a mi que dispuesto estoy llevare tu gloria a las naciones heme aqui yo ire señor heme aqui yo ire señor. ~Marcos Witt

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Dear Respite Care

Dear Respite Care,

How to even begin this letter? Can I say thank you to something that is a concept made real by a little baby and the life that it represents. Tears well up as there are so many emotions all trying to get on this page but will I do it justice?

noun: respite

a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

Oh Respite Care you think that we are giving respite to our now new and dear friends (thought they might not know how dear they are to us), but in all actuality it is my heart that is getting respite care. It is my heart that screams I get to be a mom today... Thursday - Sunday. We get to be a family of 3, we get to feed, bath, change diapers, play, go to the grocery store, we get to do it all. We get to experience respite from the journey to parenthood. We get to have a little taste of how it will be, and boy let me tell you. We LOVE it. Going to the store to get baby food and walking around with little one strapped to me. Holding unto her like it is all a spell that will be broken. I glow. I truly do. I, Liza, a current barren one get to hold a precious little one. A little one that I didn't birth, nor that is related to me. A little one that knows me as the one that picks her up and smiles to her, feeds her and clothes her on certain days of the week. A little one so innocent that was removed from her family. A little one that is worth every single one of these emotions. 

Dear Respite Care, you do not know but tonight you allow us to tuck little one in bed. To walk around proud like a peacock. We didn't do anything but say yes to a friend of a friend and are now heart deep in sticky gooey love for this respite care.... But Respite Care, you are supposed to be taking away from the difficult or unpleasant situation, what we have seen in the love of Mr. & Mrs. Foster Parents and siblings, this family you get to be a part of is hands down amazing. How they love, nurture, sacrificially give and love again. It is an art, one that Daniel and I want to learn. How can so much healing happen in my heart from caring for a little one whose situation is to not be with her Momma? I am the one getting respite care. Respite from the pain of death, respite from grief that sometimes swallows me up. And so tonight as my hubby makes baby cakes chuckle, as I strut my walk wanting to scream isn't this baby the most precious living being in the world. I get to hold her for today. I get to be her caregiver... I crumble because out of her loss I get to be a respite care provider. 

And so dear Respite Care, thank you for giving me this opportunity to love. Thank you for allowing us to meet such amazing people. Thank you for showing us how Daniel & I will work together and parent together, even if it is just for tonight, tomorrow, for as long as we can. Thank you.