In memory of my Daddi

In Memory of my Daddi

On the 6th of March my dear Daddi went to be with Jesus. I spoke at his funeral and wanted to share it on here what I shared then. I love you Daddi forever.

 

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I am the youngest of Dad's 5 children. For months I have been thinking of what I had learned from Dad and was wondering why people wait to share what they learned from someone once the person died. Now my Dad is no longer here and I wasn't fast enough to send him this letter.

Dear Daddi,

For months I have been thinking about what I want to tell you. I want you to know that I think of you daily and how much I love you. I wanted you to know that I am who I am because of the influence that you had in my life. I wanted you to know that you and Mom molded me into me. I have ten points that I want you to know of how you impacted my life:

1) You love me very much you won. I remember since a wee-little girl how that was a staple at our house. I now practice it with Daniel and with our nieces and nephews. I love very much is close to my tongue and the word "Hate" is hardly ever heard coming out of my lips. I will always remember calling you and hearing the "I love you very much I win" come out of you.

2) Watch out for the underdog. While going to PCS you would walk me to school whenever you were allowed. I never understood why you and mom would walk me even though it was only 1 block away. I now realize it was our special time together. When I was little we would skip. Every single day that was our thing to do. As I got older so did you and then one day the skipping stopped. Then my hand went into the cranny of your elbow and we walked like that talking or not saying a word. Every day you would tell me, "Look out for the underdog". Daddi, that has made such an impact on me. I didn't experience bullying (thanks to Thelma) and I never was a bullyier due to what you taught me.

3) Keep your chin up. You taught me to be proud of who I am. You taught me that even when trials come to stand strong, be planted stay firm and kind. Keep my chin up even when my emotions want to get the best of me. This I am still learning how to do :).

4) You taught me how to drive. Ohhh how I can't wait to share this with my kids one day. How you would let us sit on your lap since we were little. You would fall asleep at the wheel while pushing the gas. I always wondered if you truly did fall asleep but to this day I was certain you did. I was so scared of bridges and of taking a corner so I would desperately cry out to you to help me. You never not even once didn't help me on those turns.

5) You let us be adventurous. Who in their right mind would let their two teenage daughters ride on top of the truck cabin laying down on their backs? You trusted us that we would not be foolish and jump off or hurt ourselves. Thank you. When Thelma and I took your yellow truck and raced drive through the mud puddles you quietly mentioned it to us. We knew better to do that again.

6) You taught me how to tell stories. Well, almost, every night when we were little you would tuck us in bed. First Ruth, then JD and then Thelma and I :). Oh so happy you would scratch our backs, then pinch them then in a sweeping motion wipe what you had previously done… which meant one thing… You had to scratch our backs again seeing that you had erased your work. You would do it again and tell a story usually about a mouse.

7) You taught me to love nature. You would take us out to the fields and let us ride in the back of the truck, find a good spot to get fresh carrots and potatoes, rub them on our jeans and take a bite. You got mad and Thelma and I for getting "worms" for our fishing trip with forks… You told us, "worms are the friendliest animals ever" as you popped one into your mouth. Thelma and I were so grossed out but started grabbing them with our fingers.

8) You were kind to my friends. I feel that every weekend one or two or three of my friends was over. You always made them feel welcome, always were genuinely concerned with them and their families. You always were willing to bring hay and animals in to our school functions and would always allow us to take our friends out to the farm. How I remember the time you were teaching my classmates how to milk a cow. My friend Amy was too too grossed out to milk a cow… so your response - aim it at her and douse her with fresh milk. Oh I will never forget that!

9) You encouraged my imagination. When we were little and I mean little you would let us help you get into your Santa costume. Cotton beard, pillow belly, and presents in your bag. Then we would run into our bedroom and wait for Santa to come in… Oh my goodness we were so excited to see Santa.

10) You taught me that you really can give a puppy away. Again with Amy she had just lost her dog. I told you her story and asked you if we could bring one of our puppies for her. You said of course. So when we came back from the farm we loaded him in. I didn't realize that I should have checked with her parents first so when her mom said no. I was so scared to tell you. I cried and you kindly asked me what was wrong. I told you that Amy couldn't keep the puppy and felt that you would be mad. You hugged me, said we would just take him back and that it was ok.

Daddi, you taught me to respect others. To say yes sir and yes mam. You would snuggle me when I was scared even as an adult. I loved how you loved my husband so much. I loved it how one of the last times we rode in the car together you buckled your seat belt into the drivers side. Daniel slid in looked at you and said, "I love you John." You just smiled big and laughed. Daniel reached over and buckled his seatbelt in yours. 

I was always your baby. From now on I will write these letters of things you taught me or stories I remember, like bird hunting with my ten cats running behind us. Showing Thelma how to aim, telling me to stand behind you and having the bb ricochet off the beam and hit me on the head…. I have my memories and the part of me that is you to pass on to my kids. Even if there isn't a how to Daddi Liza book I think you did a pretty darn good job at it. I love you. Daddi now and forever thank you God for the Dad you gave me.

Missing you here.

Liza Paola

2 months in.

We are two months in the new year and I am so shocked at how fast time goes by. Do you remember when you were young and you couldn't wait for Friday? Now I see Friday come and Friday go and wonder what else I'm missing out on. I have learned though life ins't about missing things, but truly about taking the time. Taking the time to spend with Daniel even if it is just sitting down together and working on our taxes. So many times I am in this mood of go.go.go. when all he needs is for me to just sit and be. My sister Thelma loved to just be. She disliked me being on my phone and wanted my attention to be present with her. Every time I listen to Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" I think of her. From living out of state and wishing I could be with her and and now living with out I wish I could just stop and cuddle with her. Talk or not talk, just lay there holding hands. Man, how I miss her. 

So, instead of letting my tears get the best of me I decided to let you all know of something that Daniel and I are continuing to do. As I was born and raised in Mexico the dollar has always been more powerful than the peso. I remember when it was 3 to 1 and then the devaluation of the peso happened changing it to 10 to 1. So many Mexicans lost a lot of money and life definitely was different. Instead of having to pay 3000 pesos for  a bag of chips it went down to 3 pesos! The reason behind me sharing this is because last fall when we were fundraising I had the clever idea to  see how much the adoption was going to cost in pesos. Total sum from today's exchange: MXN $430,428.15. Yes, you read that right over $430 thousand pesos!!!! My heart sank when I realized how much money that was and how many lives could be impacted. I wanted to cry thinking that by us adopting we would be able to love 1 child while that $430k could be used to love others… It's sobering to put dollars into another currency and to realize the impact that our money can make in another country.

I called my mom and told her the amount and first thing she said was, "There must be something wrong. The agency must be stealing from you." I went on and explained that no, they weren't that those were the expenses for an adoption through an agency here and that I was just sharing with her because it had shocked me so much. I came home and talked to Daniel and told him how my heart was so heavy at the realization of the cost in pesos. So here is where the really cool part is about all of this. How a simple question could start a snowball of thoughts and ideas. Since we had reached our goal we stopped fundraising and any money that was still coming through our Amazon affiliate account was going to be saved for our next adoption we decided to change gears and that any money coming from our Amazon affiliate account will be donated directly to Esperanza Viva. It is the local orphanage from my home town in Puebla, Mexico. My family became involved with EV when we would take car loads of vegetables from the farm for the kids. Then my older sister started a program called, "Aver School" to teach kids photography, video and editing to teach them a vocation. They have changed the lives of so many people and I have seen first hand how they have flourished into providing homes, school, even vocations in a loving, Godly environment.

If you don't think that you have money, or if you don't think that you would be able to adopt I encourage you to get plugged in with an orphanage or a program in your city that works with foster kids. Psalm 82:3 says: Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Perhaps you feel weak a lot of the time, you can channel your weakness into loving those who are weaker than you. "Defend the underdog" is what my Dad told me. So here we are excited that soon we will be parents and excited that we can continue fundraising for other children. And I tried to figure out how to explain how the Amazon affiliate account works I decided to copy the words directly from my dear friend, Lindsey from www.managingtheeverday.com: 

"The Amazon affiliate program is a tool that many bloggers, schools and other groups use to raise funds and generate revenue. 

It works like this:

1. Click on their link (HERE). It will take you to the main Amazon.com website.
2. Shop as usual. Everything – website, prices, selection, service – is the same.
3. Buy something.
4. Liza & Daniel will receive a small commission for referring you to Amazon.com. All funds will go towards their adoption costs" (THIS WILL NOW GO TO ESPERANZA VIVA.

And so I close this very lengthy post. Thank you for doing life with us!!!

XO, 

Liza

Note: This post contains affiliate links.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

Everywhere you go... We have our tree up, went to my in-laws annual Draft Horse Outing and my Mommi is in town visiting!!! The air outside is crisp, our crib is currently in our dining room and here we are still waiting.

Once again the peace that we have had throughout this adoption has been great and continues to be great. We know that one day we will be parents... We don't know if there is something going on with either of us and that is why we haven't been able to keep a pregnancy, but we definitely know that through adoption we will be parents :). And so... for those of you wondering if there are any updates.... Other than the HUGE news that we reached our goal and are waiting for the call, there isn't another update. Sometimes I want to make up a huge juicy update to share but alas there is none... Daniel and I continue to live life... We wake up, make our bed, go to work, home, church, family, do laundry, cook, laugh and live the fullest we can. Sometimes there are tears (from me), and sometimes not having a baby of our own while friends and acquaintances are pregnant and have babies and kids makes my heart have a twinge of sadness. Sometimes life doesn't go as planned, but thru it all we are greatful. Greatful that I have my husband next to me at night. I miss my sister so terribly most days that I hold on to Daniel and treasure what we have even more. Sometimes or most of the time happyness and tears and reality are all a jumble of life... We have hope. Hope in God, thankfulness for the life we have. Tears for those we have lost, Abue, Daddi, Thelma, Babies, and memories that we cling to.

So during this Christmas season enjoy it to the max, serve others, open your "imperfect" perfect home to new friends. Above all love and have faith, don't loose hope.

We love you and hope you have a beautiful Christmas holiday!!!

~ Daniel & Liza

The Long Stretch

 Daniel - March 2014

As of the 25th of June we have officially been on the "Waiting List". Waiting… and waiting… and waiting… The waiting hasn't been bad, it hasn't been unbearable or hard. The emotions have stayed at bay and we are taking it one day at a time. When our awesome case-worker, Karen, emailed/called with the news that we were approved I asked her, "So this means that any day we could become parents?!" she answered, "Yes, but you should have a 1-2 year long wait in mind." My response was, "But technically we really could be parents any day!" :). So here we are waiting and praying, working and fundraising, getting to know each other more and waiting some more.

We've been asked why an adoption is so expensive as well as what happens if we don't have the last payment ready when we get the baby. We are on the last stretch of the fundraiser and the final amount will be due at the legal placement of the baby. I do think that when one is pregnant you have the expenses of your doctor (in an adoption there are doctor's appointments and physicals which are not included in the cost along with fingerprinting and other costs). I thought I would share you what goes into an adoptions cost.

Cost: $29,000 not including legal fees for the adoption

This sum covers the following:

• The creation of your online account, the case file, the collection of references, background clearances, and the first meeting with BCS (Bethany Christian Services) staff
• Orientation and training services
• The home study that is required for adoption including the creation of required documents, interviews, home visit(s), and gathering/assessing collateral information, and service planning
• Work done on your behalf to have your profile seen by expectant parents and includes your web profile, outreach activities, and various support services during the waiting period
• The pregnancy counseling provided to the expectant parents and includes work locating, engaging and involving the expectant father in the process, history compilation, meetings with you, hospital planning, negotiating adoption plans and agreements, counseling at the hospital, grief counseling
• All expectant parent expenses allowed by state laws (medical, living expenses, etc.)
• Petitioning for adoption and other required documentation, placement of the child, grief counseling post placement, and file maintenance
• Also the required post placement visits, reports and support.

When you go through that it starts to make sense and see that the agency doesn't just stand around and do nothing, they are the liaison's between our future baby and us. One time I asked Karen how many potential parents placed their babies for adoption, her response was only 20% followed through with placing their baby. That means that out of 100 expectant mothers only 20 would want to see our book and the books of other families. I sometimes call this the "eharmony" of babies. Though the 20% might mean that it could take longer it made me happy to know that many more expectant moms kept the babies. I know age, income level, education, lifestyle, health are only a certain facet of such a huge decision but I can only imagine that they need the support of many loved ones to bring a baby into this world. 

And so our wait continues... We receive emails from the agency asking to show our book to expectant parents. We say "yay or nay" and wait once again. I have heard it said that adoption is not for the weak hearted, but I say it is for everyone who has a heart :) (and is approved through a home study). Some people might think that once we are chosen that is it. The truth is it isn't. By law the birth mom has 48 hours to change her mind. I have heard those hours are the longest hours... Hypothetically we could be chosen for a baby due in October. We would be ecstatic, our hearts would be filled with anticipation, we would want to get the room ready and have a baby shower and then once baby would be born we could come home empty handed. That is a terrifying thought. One that I am aware of but know that there could be another scenario, one where we get called out of the blue for a baby that has already been born and whose mom/dad have waived all parental rights... Ahhhhh... Either way we are in it together.

So our story continues, highs and lows, like everyone else. We continue to pray and believe that our perfect baby is growing and that we will grow to be his/her perfect parents. I know perfection is not achievable, but I view that with God, He will place the "perfect" baby into our arms. So Baby Boo we love you already and we are mastering the art of waiting while on this last long stretch.

~ Liza

What is a Mudder?

I have been wanting to write for a while, but how can I make the transition from my last post to our adoption? It seemed too casual, too impersonal, too heartbreaking to go from writing about my darling Thelmi to continue with my words on paper. So hear I am wanting to make a tribute to my Mother, or Mami as I call her.

Last week I watched my friends kids while she went to an appointment. Her 5 year old daughter, Lucy, missed her terribly and in the sweetest voice said, "I just want my mudder". Accent or no accent it made a lump come to my throat. I am sure my darling neices want, desire, need their "mudder" too. My brother in law is loving and caring and he will love them through their loss, and I pray for strength for him as he leads them through this next season.

My Mami lost her mom (Abue), her husband (Daddi), and her dauther (Thelma) in a span of 18 months. Through all the loss and heartache she still reached and reaches out to me to make sure that I am doing good. She sends me encouraging emails and videos to keep me reaching for my dreams. She nurtures our relationship, she prunes hurtful things that have happened and fertilizes with love what has been so deeply hurt. 

She is one to work hard, to stand up for us, to love through her cooking and acts of service. What is a "mudder"? She is one who chases nightmares away, who plays with our dolls and us, teaches us to roller skate - pillow strapped on to the behind, teaches us to speak 2 languages and encourages to go for 5 more, she sews and creates beautiful things, she practices perfection in her knitting even if that means taking the sweater out completely 3 times before she finishes it, she doesn't like cats but always takes care and nurses the stray kittens that I brought home, she is a friend to my friends, though strict she knows how to talk directly to the heart. My Mami, my mother, my friend I love you and appreciate all that you gave of yourself to see your family continue to live. Despite death, despite heartache you love, you never let depression get in the way from giving me a hug or loving me, you didn't even allow it in to your life. You show me what "live faith" looks like, you pray with me and still to this day help chase my nightmares away. 

I love you and am so looking forward to being a Mami to our little one(s) like you have been to me. Thank you for all you do and all your love. Te amo Mami.

Tu gatita,
Liza Paola

Eternally Healed

Yesterday, May 4th, 2014 my sister, Thelma Elizabeth Hartmann, was eternally healed. For most of her twenties and into her 30's she lived through hodgkins lymphoma. I don't say she fought a battle for in one of our conversations she told me, "I don't like it when people say I'm fighting a battle - the battle has already been won". Thelmi I love you, you astound me, you taught me, protected me, faught with me, loved me, grew up with me, played with me, shared your life, your clothes, your happiness, your tears, your losses, your wins, your adventures, and created adventures with me.

You are now "Eternally Healed". No more needles, no more medicine, no more hospice, no more hospitals, no more separations from you hubby and little ones, no more loopy dreams (no more chicken backpacks), no more nurses, no more doctors, no more wheelchairs and no more walkers, no more good byes only now a see you later.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you very much I think you won though. You won in loving me first.

This past Friday Ruth and I were able to make some videos together with Thelma. Along with Mommi they helped me on a project about "Flourishing". We had great conversations and I asked Thelma if she felt as though she was flourishing even though she had cancer. Her response was "Of course I'm flourishing". That was Thelma full of life, full of spunk, full of character. These videos bring me smiles they also bring tears. Thelmi will not meet our baby or babies... She won't come and visit me anymore... But the legacy that she left and passed on to her daughters, the love and passion in life is there. 

Thelma will "flourish" on. She is eternally healed. I love you Emu.

The Home Study

It is a lovely thing when two people become one. When you love so deeply in a way that you never thought possible. Sometimes I think that this is how parents must love their kids... But in a way I think it is a different love as they are part of you. I will learn about parent love this year but for now I have "wife love" and "God love" that I know. 

"Husband" as I like to call my man is hard working, kind, fair, trust worthy and funny. He farms the land with his family and loves not only me but my family :). That is a huge plus. I lost both my Abue and my Daddi in the last year and a half and Daniel has held me more than one time while I cry. He extends such tender and honest love to me. I am so excited when I think of him being a dad. I am sure the adjustments will be there and what we think will be easy might throw us for a loop but I am proud to be married to the man that I am, because I know he will be an amazing father.

So, we got both parents on board, but what about our home? Thinking on the home study part of me wonders if our home will make it through the cut. All I know are movies which depict home studies scenes such as the one from "What to Expect When You are Expecting". Thankfully we won't have to say our wedding photos were burned in a fire :).

 

Ahhhhh.... It's is exciting, terrifying but the good type of terrifying and nerve wrecking all at once! Do I make breakfast, do I set up the nursery and take down my office, are we supposed to be friends with our case worker, or only friendly? If you know me you will know that I like most people and did I already mention that our case worker is awesome? After our first meeting Daniel looked over at me and said, "You probably want to be her friend". But again, is there etiquette rules on this? I don't know. The good news is is that the first home study is scheduled for May 9th and then the last home visit will be on the 19th! I am so excited and a tad bit nervous. Our lives are going to be completely rocked by a little baby. 

And so I must close this post as I am visiting my mom and want to make breakfast for her and my sisters. 

Ohhhh so happy, 

Liza